During this summer I started to notice some of the behavior and attitude my family has that I don’t love, and from a very uncomfortable position, all that fear and control came from love, they said. Completely rejecting the behavior I noticed that in a more superficial way I was repeating their behavior, only from a more submissive position. “Time to go to therapy!” I told myself because I’m not going to spend decades of my life wanting to control people and situations, in the name of "I love them and want everything to be ok". But it is just a reflection of my insecurities that came from the fear, the idea of people or situations abandoning me, so somehow I was not trusting that everything is exactly where it is supposed to be. And that hit me, especially when I thought I was over it, after a personal super introspective journey.
I almost skipped my appointment, I thought that wasn’t a big deal and right now I really should save some money, but then this “thought” came to my mind: is time to break the pattern.
I’m not a psychologist, and every person is different, but what might be a duh for some people, it was a new perspective for me:
Not every behavior is about how you absorb certain experience or emotion, some are patterns from our ancestors.
You can work and heal with emotions and experiences that you don’t remember because your subconscious does.
Everything is connected, even when it doesn't look the same in different areas in your life, in the end, the source, the origin, is the same one.
The way I felt and developed a behavior from an experience, not always meant that I’m right about what I perceived, even if I can understand later, what matters is how I interpreted it back then, and I need to decide from that emotion if I want to change it or not.
Love is simple, but once you start working from fear you sabotage its simplicity. In the end somehow everybody wants to love, be loved and feel accepted, but the meaning of it is foggy when we have other feelings that need to be prioritized in order to be understood (e.g. abandonment), so we can clear the path to feel all the good things and stop misinterpreting what it really represents.
Every time I'm on my way home, after my sessions, I realize how far I have come, feeling all proud of myself for that. But this wasn't until I started to understand my inner child, with all the feelings and perceptions she had, that I realized there was still a lot for me to explore about myself. I thought I knew myself, and in a way I did, but now I can finally connect and realize that… that little girl and I, we are still the same person, and we share the same dreams and insecurities and is not a “she”, is an "I" that coexist in the same space but different timelines.
The thought that pushed me to consider therapy in the first place, and might be something for you to reflect as well is:
“Control doesn't come from love, the dependency doesn't come from love, pleasing doesn't come from love, they seek love, but they are not love”.
Is it worth it to go and work on things that I already kind of knew? Yes, for me it was necessary, sometimes we just need a professional to assure us or to teach us how to understand and give a name to all those thoughts and feelings (of course, I believe there are some therapist with who you won’t click and some that will be like an instant crush). I still need to save some money, haha, but I will happily keep paying for my sessions just to get closer to myself.
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